All The Jokes

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John McCain is so old he’s forgotten all his experience.

John McCain is so old his first beer was a New Milwaukee.

John McCain is so old he taught Adam to garden.

John McCain is so old on Halloween he goes out as the Crypt Keeper so he doesn’t have to wear a costume.

John McCain is so old he remembers when his dad was a twinkle in his grandfather’s eye.

John McCain is so old when AOL says “you have mail” he goes to the post office.

John McCain is so old he thought the telephone would just be another fad.

John McCain is so old those zombie movies he likes to watch are actually just videos of his speeches.

John McCain is so old he’s eligible to be president not as a natural born citizen, but because he was a citizen of the United States at the time of the adoption of the Constitution.

John McCain is so old when people talk about Old Europe he reminisces about the Holy Roman Empire.

John McCain is so old he once bought Miracle Salve from Opie Taylor.

John McCain is so old he “had a little personal experience” with both the Cuban Missile Crisis and with Cuba’s discovery.

John McCain is so old when he was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.

John McCain is so old he’s not just over the hill, he’s over the whole mountain range.

John McCain is so old when he wants to be around people his own age he goes to the cemetery.

John McCain is so old the first time he saw the “real Virginia” was with the Roanoke Colony.

John McCain is so old when Jesus told him to “love thy neighbor” he told him “I already did.

John McCain is so old he used to smear his opponents by robotelegraph.

John McCain is so old he invented plumbing.

John McCain is so old The Oregon Trail brought back too many bad memories.

John McCain is so old he once had a summer job building the pyramids.

John McCain is so old undertakers think he’s an escapee.

John McCain is so old when John Lewis told him he was “playing with fire,” McCain said “When I was a boy we didn’t even have fire.”

John McCain is so old his first running mate was Betty Rubble.

John McCain is so old he used to “pal around” with Guy Fawkes.

John McCain is so old he sometimes forgets his opponent’s name.

John McCain is so old he was raised a Zoroastrian.

John McCain is so old his feet are prehensile.

John McCain is so old his limousine is a hearse.

John McCain is so old if Sarah Palin winked at him he’d have a heart attack.

John McCain is so old his Secret Service codename is The Clapper.

John McCain is so old he actually knew General George McClellan.

John McCain is so old he thinks a computer is some sort of mathematician.

John McCain is so old he still thinks dancing is a sin.

John McCain is so old he once reported Jesus for vagrancy.

John McCain is so old he no longer qualifies for a senior citizen discount.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Sarah Palin could have walked to Russia from Alaska.

John McCain is so old Socrates was his first debate coach.

John McCain is so old he thinks The Great Schlep was led by Moses.

John McCain is so old multitasking confuses him.

John McCain is so old Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after him.

John McCain is so old the AARP stopped sending him renewal notices.

John McCain is so old he used to babysit Larry King.

John McCain is so old the Big Bang was actually his 21st birthday party.

John McCain is so old he remembers the Maine.

John McCain is so old when they asked him if he wears boxers or briefs he answered “Depends.”

John McCain is so old his exit strategy is a coffin.

John McCain is so old he didn’t just invent the BlackBerry, he invented fire.

John McCain is so old he jumped the megalodon.

John McCain is so old when GEICO advertises insurance to cavemen they use the slogan “So easy John McCain could do it.”

John McCain is so old the “Mc” in McCain is actually the year of his birth in Roman numerals.

John McCain is so old he remembers what it was like before the good old days.

John McCain is so old he knew the first of the Mohicans.

John McCain is so old he thought the Bering Land Bridge was a Bridge to Nowhere.

John McCain is so old he once put lipstick on a triceratops.

John McCain is so old he broke the fountain of youth when he stuck his toe in it.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Sarah Palin’s hairdo was in style.

John McCain is so old he’s not just behind the times; the times have lapped him.

John McCain is so old his video biography at the GOP convention was a miniseries.

John McCain is so old he undressed Sarah Palin’s grandmother with his eyes too.

John McCain is so old the day before God created the heaven and the earth he borrowed his pickup to haul supplies from Home Depot.

John McCain is so old he claims John Oldman in Jerome Bixby’s (soon to be cult movie classic) The Man from Earth was based on him.

John McCain is so old his eighth grade science project was the wheel.

John McCain is so old his birth certificate is made of papyrus.

John McCain is so old when he heard war had broken out in Georgia he reminisced about the burning of Atlanta.

John McCain is so old he spent his college spring breaks partying in Sodom and Gomorrah.

John McCain is so old when the phone rings he answers the TV remote.

John McCain is so old everything he buys has a lifetime guarantee.

John McCain is so old that’s not hair on his head, it’s mold.

John McCain is so old his trophy wife is in her 50s.

John McCain is so old all during the Olympics he kept complaining that it just wasn’t the same since they dropped chariot racing.

John McCain is so old the last time he tried to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom Mary refused his advances and Abe threw him out of the house.

John McCain is so old he sometimes forgets how many houses he owns.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.

John McCain is so old his dreams are sepia toned.

John McCain is so old the last time he got an erection his wife assumed it was rigor mortis.

John McCain is so old when people ask him which came first, the chicken or the egg, he replies “I did”.

John McCain is so old George Washington grew weary of all the ‘John McCain Slept Here’ signs he saw around town.

John McCain is so old when people talk about goths he reminisces about the sack of Rome.

John McCain is so old monkeys evolved from him.

John McCain is so old Al Gore says his birthday candles contribute to global warming.

John McCain is so old on the seventh day he carried God’s golf clubs.

John McCain is so old vultures trail the Straight Talk Express.

John McCain is so old flowers scare him.

John McCain is so old if he were a car his odomoter would be rolling over.

John McCain is so old when he talks about being tested he means his prostate.

John McCain is so old his library card says Alexandria.

John McCain is so old when he orders a three minute egg they ask for the money up front.

John McCain is so old even his dentures collect social security.

John McCain is so old he thinks Paris Hilton is a French hotel.

John McCain is so old he puts milk of magnesia in his Wheaties.

John McCain is so old he used to own Sydney Poitier.

John McCain is so old his first condom was made of bark.

John McCain is so old when he was a kid rainbows were in black and white.

John McCain is so old he thinks Fleetwook Mac is something they serve at McDonalds.

John McCain is so old he sleeps in a coffin – just in case.

John McCain is so old the candles cost more than his birthday cake.

John McCain is so old scientists say he’s the missing link.

John McCain is so old the first time he visted Alaska he walked there from Asia on the Bering land bridge.

John McCain is so old he once visited the troops at Valley Forge.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Grand Old Party was just the Grand Party.

John McCain is so old he has quit buying green bananas.

John McCain is so old he thinks a search engine is a kind of train.

John McCain is so old he has circumnavigated the globe by means of continental drift.

John McCain is so old his first cat was saber-toothed.

John McCain is so old he creaks when he blinks.

John McCain is so old he invented bingo.

John McCain is so old he taught Nero to fiddle.

John McCain is so old he invented oldness.

John McCain is so old when he visits the natural history museum he skips the dinosaur exhibit because it depresses him to see his old pets on display.

John McCain is so old when he talks about the need for change he’s talking about his Depends.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Old Bay Seasoning was known as New Bay Seasoning.

John McCain is so old instead of playing kick the can he plays kick the bucket.

John McCain is so old he may not know how to get online, but he certainly knows how to get on the telegraph.

John McCain is so old he remembers when it wasn’t OK even if you were a Republican.

John McCain is so old what we call ancient history he calls his childhood.

John McCain is so old he makes fossils feel young.

John McCain is so old he can remember when he actually was a maverick.

John McCain is so old he’s only running for president because it’s on his bucket list.

John McCain is so old God made Adam from his rib.

John McCain is so old his first immigration debate was with Pocahontas.

John McCain is so old when someone asks for his ID he hands them a rock.

John McCain is so old he’s still bitter about being passed over for a Continental Congress delegacy.

John McCain is so old he claims the story of Adam and Eve was inspired by his first marriage.

John McCain is so old he planted the old growth forests.

John McCain is so old he invented dirt.

John McCain is so old he used to drive Miss Daisy’s mom.

John McCain is so old he lacks opposable thumbs.

John McCain is so old his birth certificate lists his birthplace as Pangea.

John McCain is so old Larry King thinks he’s too old for his audience.

John McCain is so old he once faked bubonic plague to skip school.

John McCain is so old when he was a kid he didn’t play duck, duck, goose; he played archaeopteryx, archaeopteryx, deinonychus.

John McCain is so old he did start the fire.

John McCain is so old the natural history museum once put him on display as a living fossil.

John McCain is so old at his last physical his doctor sent him in for carbon dating.

John McCain is so old the first airplane he crashed was made by the Wright brothers.

John McCain is so old his first apartment was a cave.

John McCain is so old he thought the Antiques Roadshow was another name for the Straight Talk Express.

John McCain is so old he used to call Methuselah “Whippersnapper”.

John McCain is so old he used to mow Adam’s lawn.

John McCain is so old his ears are still ringing from the Big Bang.

John McCain is so old he knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

John McCain is so old he’s the one who hid the Dead Sea scrolls.

John McCain is so old he IM’ed his girlfriend by telegraph.

John McCain is so old God discontinued technical support for his model.

John McCain is so old his dreams are in reruns.

John McCain is so old the only time he doesn’t have to pee is when he pees.

John McCain is so old Gutenberg made his first printer.

John McCain is so old he still remembers Jesus as that know-it-all kid from Nazareth.

John McCain is so old Yoda was his padawan.

John McCain is so old his doctor told him he’s no longer healthy enough to engage in bingo activity.

John McCain is so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he was on the other side fishing.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Billy the Kid was still an infant.

John McCain is so old King Tut taught him how to walk like an Egyptian.

John McCain is so old he gave Saint Paul directions to Damascus.

John McCain is so old his original political party was Federalist.

John McCain is so old his first Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving.

John McCain is so old not even Chuck Norris can count the years.

John McCain is so old the first Straight Talk Express was a Conestoga wagon.

John McCain is so old first hearing aid was powered by steam.

John McCain is so old his political rivals hire archaeologists to dig up dirt on him.

John McCain is so old when he says he’s 71 he means decades, not years.

John McCain is so old he thinks an iPod is some sort of sleeping bag.

John McCain is so old he once interned for Abraham Lincoln.

John McCain is so old he’s not just at death’s door, he’s in death’s foyer.

John McCain is so old during the last ice age he was for global warming.

John McCain is so old when he first moved to Arizona it was still part of Mexico.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Europe was the New World.

John McCain is so old the Grim Reaper is suing him for overtime.

John McCain is so old he used to complain that the primordial soup was too salty.

John McCain is so old his economic expertise is in mercantilism.

John McCain is so old even his teeth have wrinkles.

John McCain is so old he was a busboy at the Last Supper.

John McCain is so old they need a bonfire permit to light his birthday candles.

John McCain is so old he lost money betting on Goliath.

John McCain is so old his memoir of his years in the House of Representatives is called Jurassic Politics.

John McCain is so old he considers fire the greatest invention of his lifetime.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Wizard of Oz was just an apprentice.

John McCain is so old when he says he’s a Renaissance man he means he lived through the Renaissance.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Mount Everest was a molehill.

John McCain is so old he considers the wheel modern technology.

John McCain is so old he thinks the bingo players at the community center are a bunch of rowdy hooligans.

John McCain is so old he was a cabin boy on Noah’s Ark.

John McCain is so old he used to mow Fred Flintstone’s lawn.

John McCain is so old he knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

John McCain is so old he remembers the best thing before sliced bread.

John McCain is so old his blood type was discontinued.

John McCain is so old his favorite video game is Grand Theft Chariot.

John McCain is so old his first suit was a toga.

John McCain is so old all his old flames are burnt out.

John McCain is so old he remembers when doornails were still alive.

John McCain is so old he was the first to pull the oldest trick in the book.

John McCain is so old when he says “I feel like a million” he means years, not bucks.

John McCain is so old he remembers when your thoughts only cost half a pence.

John McCain is so old he didn’t just read “The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire,” he lived it.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Amish were on the technological cutting edge.

John McCain is so old his first American flag pin had 13 stars.

John McCain is so old he consider the AARP a youth group.

John McCain is so old all the skeletons in his closet long ago turned to dust.

John McCain is so old he thought Strom Thurmond was a Johnny-come-lately.

John McCain is so old every night he sleeps like a baby; he keeps waking up and peeing.

John McCain is so old he actually heard the shot heard round the world.

John McCain is so old he was the designated driver at the Boston Tea Party.

John McCain is so old his biography is arranged by geological era.

John McCain is so old he still calls it a New Amsterdam minute.

John McCain is so old when he says he has a friend in Jesus he means Jesus used to be his drinking buddy.

John McCain is so old he once told a young George Burns to get off his lawn.

John McCain is so old whenever Barack Obama compares his political experience to Abraham Lincoln’s he thinks “Senator, I served with Abraham Lincoln, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Abraham Lincoln.”

John McCain is so old he can hide his own Easter eggs.

John McCain is so old he’s thinking of adding some youth and vigor to his ticket by naming Fred Thompson his choice for VP.

John McCain is so old he thinks Matlock is edgy.

John McCain is so old in grade school he had to memorize all 13 state capitals.

John McCain is so old tonight he’s gonna party like it’s 999.

John McCain is so old he’s learned everything there is to know; but he barely remembers any of it.

John McCain is so old his first watch was a sundial.

John McCain is so old he gets nostalgic watching Quest for Fire.

John McCain is so old his memory is in black and white.

John McCain is so old his bones are fossils.

John McCain is so old scientists cite him as evidence when arguing against the creationist belief in a young earth.

John McCain is so old his parents couldn’t buy him a car for his sixteenth birthday because the wheel hadn’t yet been invented.

John McCain is so old his high school chemistry book listed only four elements: earth, water, wind and fire.

John McCain is so old he donated his childhood keepsakes to the natural history museum.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Grand Canyon was just a ditch.

John McCain is so old he thinks a website is where a spider builds its home.

John McCain is so old he wrote his first legislation in hieroglyphs.

John McCain is so old he walked into an antiques store and they sold him.

John McCain is so old his first aftershave was New Spice.

John McCain is so old his first hunting trip was for mammoth.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Dead Sea was merely sick.

John McCain is so old Daedalus was his first flight instructor.

John McCain is so old his Secret Service codename is Methuselah.

John McCain is so old his first telephone was a smoke signal.

John McCain is so old he remembers when the Old Testament was the new testament.

John McCain is so old his baby pictures are cave drawings.

John McCain is so old his birth certificate is expired.

John McCain is so old his laptop is a clipboard.

John McCain is so old he doesn’t just remember the Alamo, he remembers Thermopylae.

John McCain is so old he was a foot soldier in both the Reagan Revolution and the American Revolution.

John McCain is so old his social security number is IV.

John McCain is so old he doesn’t just believe in creation, he witnessed it.

John McCain is so old his email address is JohnMcCain36@aol.com.

John McCain is so old he planted the cherry tree George Washington chopped down.

John McCain is so old his age spots have age spots.

John McCain is so old he thinks a hard drive is a long and bumpy road.

John McCain is so old he remembers when Istanbul was Constantinople.

John McCain is so old when God said “Let there be light” he flipped the switch.

John McCain is so old his first computer was an abacus.

John McCain is so old he calls Bob Dole kid.

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